Trennung
Well, here’t goes…
In 2 days will be Thanksgiving 2004.
While I know in my heart I have much to be thankful – and grateful – for. Unfortunately, my mind has been focusing on the negative things, instead of the positive. I have been trying to not sulk or let it get to me…. I have moments of feeling just fine and calm but it is still there haunting me.
I don’t want to sulk and have it ruin this holiday week… so hopefully trying to vent and sort it out here will get it out of my system for the next few days.
The title of this post is a German word.
Trennung:
- abscission
- detachment
- disconnection
- disunion
- division
- parting
- secession
- separation
- severance
“Trennung” is the cause of my sadness and my grief.
So my parents are separating…. And though no one has come straight out and said the word “divorce” I feel that is going to be the end result. My father dances around the word – my mom tries to act as though it wont ever happen…. My brother and I know that there is a slim chance things can be corrected and come back around to “how it use to be” – so “divorce” is most likely upon us.
So many levels to this Trennung … and though I wish deep in my heart that a bit of time apart will clear things… I am not sure how realistic it is given the history. I would rather prepare myself for “divorce” then hope for the better. I think that serves me well for either outcome.
Through heartfelt emails back and forth between me and my father – and trying to comfort my mother over phone calls – and trying to figure out how to guard my brother – and trying to think of potential upcoming scenarios to which I may have to have an answer or support ready - I haven’t really had the time to really think through how it will affect me…. I am too occupied with thinking about how it will affect everyone else. Sure different things pop into my head and I have had small bits of crying. But for the most part I haven’t devoted a lot of time to it. Perhaps a sub-conscious thing so that I won’t wind up a worthless bag of tears… but I know it is coming. Sometime very soon… the uncontrollable tears are coming.
If the past sheds any light, I will most likely loose control after I sort everyone else out as best I can. I can hold it together until then. That has been the typical M.O for me… whether it is the death of a loved one, death of a pet, sorting out conflicts over any family members respective addiction, whatever it may be….
I have just typically held it together until I think everyone is okay. After everyone else has had his or her breakdowns, then I have my breakdown last.
Of course that has always been a wrench in the works. Everyone thinks I am so stable and handling things maturely… so when it is my turn to cry and need support its like… “Um. We are so past this now why do you dwell on it.” They forget I hadn’t been able to let my emotions out…
My poor boyfriend thinks I love to be in tears… but I don’t – he is just the unlucky bloke that is around me each day to see me cry or get wrapped up in some emotion because I have no where else to go with it.
I know it must be a drain on him.
Surely though – with finding out about his unfaithfulness to me and my parents Trennung all at the same time, anyone can appreciate my battle with being glum and having a hard time remembering what to be Thankful for.
My brother came over last night and we discussed our Trennung. We both don’t want this to happen right now. It is the holiday season and both of our birthdays are in a week’s time.
Is this how I want to recall my 26th birthday? Is this how he wants to look back on his 21st? Hell NO!!!
Still – our parents have loved us, supported us, and encouraged us all our lives. Is it selfish for us to not want to deal with this during the holidays or to be hurt by what they are going through?
How can we not feel like little kids torn in a divorce – even though we are adults?
How do we give support without hurting one of our parent’s feelings? How can we look back on memories with the same eyes? How can we deal with the fact that nothing has changed – but everything HAS changed?
Most importantly, these two people who we have loved so much and made our choices by what they have done – or recommended we do – how do we deal with the fact that these 2 are just fallible and regular people, and not the keen and significant people we had envisioned all of our lives?
Is it selfish for us to think this is totally unfair – or that maybe divorce would be the best thing?
Argh!
How can I trust anything? I mean…. My choices, my memories, my belief in people, my self, my relationship? ANYTHING?
At this point the only thing I can trust is that no matter how I look, the things I say, the way I feel - my puppies will love me unconditionally… And I wish people were that cool!
In 2 days will be Thanksgiving 2004.
While I know in my heart I have much to be thankful – and grateful – for. Unfortunately, my mind has been focusing on the negative things, instead of the positive. I have been trying to not sulk or let it get to me…. I have moments of feeling just fine and calm but it is still there haunting me.
I don’t want to sulk and have it ruin this holiday week… so hopefully trying to vent and sort it out here will get it out of my system for the next few days.
The title of this post is a German word.
Trennung:
- abscission
- detachment
- disconnection
- disunion
- division
- parting
- secession
- separation
- severance
“Trennung” is the cause of my sadness and my grief.
So my parents are separating…. And though no one has come straight out and said the word “divorce” I feel that is going to be the end result. My father dances around the word – my mom tries to act as though it wont ever happen…. My brother and I know that there is a slim chance things can be corrected and come back around to “how it use to be” – so “divorce” is most likely upon us.
So many levels to this Trennung … and though I wish deep in my heart that a bit of time apart will clear things… I am not sure how realistic it is given the history. I would rather prepare myself for “divorce” then hope for the better. I think that serves me well for either outcome.
Through heartfelt emails back and forth between me and my father – and trying to comfort my mother over phone calls – and trying to figure out how to guard my brother – and trying to think of potential upcoming scenarios to which I may have to have an answer or support ready - I haven’t really had the time to really think through how it will affect me…. I am too occupied with thinking about how it will affect everyone else. Sure different things pop into my head and I have had small bits of crying. But for the most part I haven’t devoted a lot of time to it. Perhaps a sub-conscious thing so that I won’t wind up a worthless bag of tears… but I know it is coming. Sometime very soon… the uncontrollable tears are coming.
If the past sheds any light, I will most likely loose control after I sort everyone else out as best I can. I can hold it together until then. That has been the typical M.O for me… whether it is the death of a loved one, death of a pet, sorting out conflicts over any family members respective addiction, whatever it may be….
I have just typically held it together until I think everyone is okay. After everyone else has had his or her breakdowns, then I have my breakdown last.
Of course that has always been a wrench in the works. Everyone thinks I am so stable and handling things maturely… so when it is my turn to cry and need support its like… “Um. We are so past this now why do you dwell on it.” They forget I hadn’t been able to let my emotions out…
My poor boyfriend thinks I love to be in tears… but I don’t – he is just the unlucky bloke that is around me each day to see me cry or get wrapped up in some emotion because I have no where else to go with it.
I know it must be a drain on him.
Surely though – with finding out about his unfaithfulness to me and my parents Trennung all at the same time, anyone can appreciate my battle with being glum and having a hard time remembering what to be Thankful for.
My brother came over last night and we discussed our Trennung. We both don’t want this to happen right now. It is the holiday season and both of our birthdays are in a week’s time.
Is this how I want to recall my 26th birthday? Is this how he wants to look back on his 21st? Hell NO!!!
Still – our parents have loved us, supported us, and encouraged us all our lives. Is it selfish for us to not want to deal with this during the holidays or to be hurt by what they are going through?
How can we not feel like little kids torn in a divorce – even though we are adults?
How do we give support without hurting one of our parent’s feelings? How can we look back on memories with the same eyes? How can we deal with the fact that nothing has changed – but everything HAS changed?
Most importantly, these two people who we have loved so much and made our choices by what they have done – or recommended we do – how do we deal with the fact that these 2 are just fallible and regular people, and not the keen and significant people we had envisioned all of our lives?
Is it selfish for us to think this is totally unfair – or that maybe divorce would be the best thing?
Argh!
How can I trust anything? I mean…. My choices, my memories, my belief in people, my self, my relationship? ANYTHING?
At this point the only thing I can trust is that no matter how I look, the things I say, the way I feel - my puppies will love me unconditionally… And I wish people were that cool!
posted by sarnra at 11/23/2004 08:52:00 AM
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