letter 5

dear Crooked Correspondant -

in a new environment, i had no direction. i just fell into this place. we hit it off straight away - it was nice to have a good friend... especially where i knew no one. it was comfortable and you were like a coach or teacher to me. you helped me to learn new things, took me around on live shots, gave advice and hits.... and even asked me to share some things i had learned... it was a good partnership - and since you were at least 12 years my senior - i felt safe. it was almost like... paternal....

do you remember when you took me to the interview of the mother of the dead solider, the live shots in the newsroom, the set-up at the gas station... do you remember the help i gave you .... i thought it was honest.

we would laugh, talk about your experiences, our work, my background, your wife and family. a friendship.
i am said i lost that. i thought it was a pure relationship.
still somehow - i miss that original friend i made.

little did i know what you were planning. little did i know what power you had over me...
it was like an alanis song... i was curious and let it happen... for months - but you were the one in charge - and you knew just how deep it would be. i had no idea. naive, raw, inexperienced, hungry, and your protege.
foolish. flattered by your fascination with me -- i became apart of the worst sin.

it seems clear to me now.
but back then - why couldn't i see? how did i not know the depth of it all? did i not know the pain i was causing her? was i so weak that i let this bad cop lead me into crime?
seems pathetic to me now. most days that guilt follows me.
i try to forgive myself, I work hard to make it up.... i try to forgive us both.

you were the beast, and i was the prey....
it all makes such sense now -- i really failed myself then.

it came back around to me. now i know exactly what i did - and let you do.
it sometimes turns my gut that you and him had the same plan - selfishness that lead to hurting the ones you loved, and misleading and innocent party.... so that we all walk through with this scarlet letter for the rest of their lives....

But you continue to find more victims... and you continue to tell them you've never done this before, and that it really means something. and that they can trust you.

you still sweep it all under the rug....

Ever Regretfully, Sarnra