Tränenstrom

what can i say... i knew it was coming.
i warned myself, my brother, my boyfriend, and i even wrote it here.

The Shower of Tears. Tränenstrom.

it finally came.... last night. i was so pleased to get home and see my puppies, my boyfriend, and the cozy apartment all done up for Christmas. my boyfriend and i had a few head butts over nothing.... just a misunderstanding found in everyday life -- but my reaction to it was quite sour. i went into my room to be alone and to relax... but instead i threw a fit and cried and cried and cried and cried.

Why?
Because :
1) I don't want to be 26 in two days.
2) I don't want my parents to be separating/divorcing/acting like freaks.
3) For the last 2 weeks I have been VERY stressed out over everything that has been happening in the last few months.
4) Thanksgiving holiday wasn't the best.
5) I am afraid the rest of the holiday season to be ruined ~somehow~.
6) I haven’t had anytime to myself – or just to relax – in at least a week.

and -

7) Because of all these things... My personal insecurities are at an all time high (or low... depending) I feel useless, untalented, dumb, ugly, fat, just anything and everything one can feel that is negative about themselves... i am feeling now. and i HATE it.

i HATE that i am letting all this get me to this point.... URGH and Harumph...

I am not usually this pathetic.

hopefully i will soon be out of this slump.... i am tired of feeling yucky and sorry for myself.
but sometimes i dont know how else to deal with all the things running through my head -- just so much that it wears me down and i knew i was just bubbling up for a major crying fit... which i had last night.
triggered by the smallest and most insignificant misunderstanding between a couple.

oh my - oh my.

well -- perhaps now that the Tränenstrom came thru, the clouds will clear a bit and the sun rays will come out again....

Trennung

Well, here’t goes…

In 2 days will be Thanksgiving 2004.

While I know in my heart I have much to be thankful – and grateful – for. Unfortunately, my mind has been focusing on the negative things, instead of the positive. I have been trying to not sulk or let it get to me…. I have moments of feeling just fine and calm but it is still there haunting me.

I don’t want to sulk and have it ruin this holiday week… so hopefully trying to vent and sort it out here will get it out of my system for the next few days.

The title of this post is a German word.
Trennung:
- abscission
- detachment
- disconnection
- disunion
- division
- parting
- secession
- separation
- severance

“Trennung” is the cause of my sadness and my grief.

So my parents are separating…. And though no one has come straight out and said the word “divorce” I feel that is going to be the end result. My father dances around the word – my mom tries to act as though it wont ever happen…. My brother and I know that there is a slim chance things can be corrected and come back around to “how it use to be” – so “divorce” is most likely upon us.
So many levels to this Trennung … and though I wish deep in my heart that a bit of time apart will clear things… I am not sure how realistic it is given the history. I would rather prepare myself for “divorce” then hope for the better. I think that serves me well for either outcome.

Through heartfelt emails back and forth between me and my father – and trying to comfort my mother over phone calls – and trying to figure out how to guard my brother – and trying to think of potential upcoming scenarios to which I may have to have an answer or support ready - I haven’t really had the time to really think through how it will affect me…. I am too occupied with thinking about how it will affect everyone else. Sure different things pop into my head and I have had small bits of crying. But for the most part I haven’t devoted a lot of time to it. Perhaps a sub-conscious thing so that I won’t wind up a worthless bag of tears… but I know it is coming. Sometime very soon… the uncontrollable tears are coming.

If the past sheds any light, I will most likely loose control after I sort everyone else out as best I can. I can hold it together until then. That has been the typical M.O for me… whether it is the death of a loved one, death of a pet, sorting out conflicts over any family members respective addiction, whatever it may be….
I have just typically held it together until I think everyone is okay. After everyone else has had his or her breakdowns, then I have my breakdown last.

Of course that has always been a wrench in the works. Everyone thinks I am so stable and handling things maturely… so when it is my turn to cry and need support its like… “Um. We are so past this now why do you dwell on it.” They forget I hadn’t been able to let my emotions out…

My poor boyfriend thinks I love to be in tears… but I don’t – he is just the unlucky bloke that is around me each day to see me cry or get wrapped up in some emotion because I have no where else to go with it.
I know it must be a drain on him.

Surely though – with finding out about his unfaithfulness to me and my parents Trennung all at the same time, anyone can appreciate my battle with being glum and having a hard time remembering what to be Thankful for.

My brother came over last night and we discussed our Trennung. We both don’t want this to happen right now. It is the holiday season and both of our birthdays are in a week’s time.
Is this how I want to recall my 26th birthday? Is this how he wants to look back on his 21st? Hell NO!!!

Still – our parents have loved us, supported us, and encouraged us all our lives. Is it selfish for us to not want to deal with this during the holidays or to be hurt by what they are going through?
How can we not feel like little kids torn in a divorce – even though we are adults?
How do we give support without hurting one of our parent’s feelings? How can we look back on memories with the same eyes? How can we deal with the fact that nothing has changed – but everything HAS changed?

Most importantly, these two people who we have loved so much and made our choices by what they have done – or recommended we do – how do we deal with the fact that these 2 are just fallible and regular people, and not the keen and significant people we had envisioned all of our lives?

Is it selfish for us to think this is totally unfair – or that maybe divorce would be the best thing?

Argh!

How can I trust anything? I mean…. My choices, my memories, my belief in people, my self, my relationship? ANYTHING?

At this point the only thing I can trust is that no matter how I look, the things I say, the way I feel - my puppies will love me unconditionally… And I wish people were that cool!

Windmills of Your Mind - sting

Round, like a circle in a spiral

Like a wheel within a wheel

Never ending or beginning

On an ever spinning wheel

Like a snowball down a mountain

Or a carnaval balloon

Like a carousell that's turning

Running rings around the moon

Like a clock whose hands are sweeping

Past the minutes on it's face

And the world is like an apple

Whirling silently in space

Like the circles that you find

In the windmills of your mind

Like a tunnel that you follow

To a tunnel of it's own

Down a hollow to a cavern

Where the sun has never shone

Like a door that keeps revolving

In a half forgotten dream

Or the ripples from a pebble

Someone tosses in a stream

Like a clock whose hands are sweeping

Past the minutes on it's face

And the world is like an apple

Whirling silently in space

Like the circles that you find

In the windmills of your mind

Keys that jingle in your pocket

Words that jangle your head

Why did summer go so quickly

Was it something that I said

Lovers walking allong the shore

Leave their footprints in the sand

Was the sound of distant drumming

Just the fingers of your hand

Pictures hanging in a hallway

And a fragment of this song

Half remembered names and faces

But to whom do they belong

When you knew that it was over

Were you suddenly aware

That the autumn leaves were turning

To the color of her hair

Like a circle in a spiral

Like a wheel within a wheel

Never ending or beginning

On an ever spinning wheel

As the images unwind

Like the circle that you find

In the windmills of your mind

In the windmills of your mind

ahhh - the fall....
this is a photo i took this time last year.
and time has gone by so quickly it seems....
christmas is just weeks away.

Boys Don't Cry - the cure

Boys Don't Cry

I would say I'm sorry

If I thought that it would change your mind

But I know that this time

I've said too much

Been too unkind

I try to laugh about it

Cover it all up with lies

I try and laugh about it

Hiding the tears in my eyes 'cause boys don't cry

Boys don't cry

I would break down at your feet

And beg forgiveness

Plead with you

But I know that

It's too late

And now there's nothing I can do

So I try to laugh about it

Cover it all up with lies

I try to laugh about it

Hiding the tears in my eyes'cause boys don't cry

I would tell you

That I loved you

If I thought that you would stay

But I know that it's no use

That you've already

Gone away

Misjudged your limits

Pushed you too far

Took you for granted

I thought that you needed me more

Now I would do most anything

To get you back by my side

But I just keep on laughing

Hiding the tears in my eyes'cause boys don't cry

Boys don't cry

Boys don't cry

my true loves :)

otis and monkey sleeping on the big red rug.

these are my true loves!
sweet little angels - otis is a beagle and monkey is a jack russell/cocker mix...

these are great examples of unconditional love and true friendship.
as much as i hope - i cant ever be as pure of heart as they are....
sweet pups!

What Is Happening Here?

so - life has been pretty unstable as of late... which has caused me to ponder a great deal about Life in General.

i just relocated to a new job - and my puppies and i were living far from my significant other during the transistion. he was planning to follow us to the new area within a month or two...

i moved near my family and friends again - i was excited about the new job, career, apartment, and the next "stage" in my life.

for once - i really felt things were good and stable for a change!

well -- sadly -- that feeling didn't last too long.

so within a months time, this bubbling begins to occur... my brother tells me that he thinks our parents are getting a divorce, but he isn't really sure. he overhears strange talk from the parents - but can't tell what is really lying beneath.

my brother and I have always been very close so him venting his concern isn't out of character. In part - this is the role we've always kind of played... as the younger, he shares and as the oldest I try to figure out - or fix - the situation.

my investigation into the family situation barely got off the ground before i found out that my boyfirend of over a year had been unfaithful.

when i call home to hear a familiar voice and get some encouragement - i then find that my parents are splitting up... i guess the emotion of my situation lead to the unveiling and comiserating of all the dirty laundry.

everything i knew that was stable and good - crumbled within 4 hours that day.

in everyones life there is trouble and uncertainty - but it rarely all comes down at once - it is usually spread out a bit more -- thats been my experience in the past anyway...

so all this chaos brought me around to thinking -
what is happening?

i mean what IS happening?!

my parents are not great people - they are Regular Dysfunctional People - like the guy two cubicals over, the weirdo on the metro train, the lady at the grocery store who unloads 45 items in the 10 or under aisle....

so -- what does this mean?

i've been mislead... i am quite confused but i hope to vent it out here on this blog.

hmm - we'll see......

hello there!

this is the first posting on the windmills blog...
and more will follow...

until then...