Love Letters I'll Never Send....

letter 1

dear Humor -
do you remember when we were young. we thought we had it all figured out. We were our first everything...

we made films, went to screenings, took acting classes together.... We met famous people, and got them to think we were cool. Conan O'Brien told you the story of him and Lisa Kudrow -- how he loved her... and how our relationship reminded him of their relationship... but of course they haven't been together for many years... neither have we.

(by the way - I still get angry when I see Molly Shannon on TV.... )

we had spring in Virginia, summer in Connecticut, and fall in Manhattan.... the winter froze things over and we followed our paths in different directions... but were always still friends.

do you remember the time you taped a rose on my door... do you remember having pneumonia... do you remember me watching you play volleyball on the beach, or in tournaments in Rhode Island... do you remember 2 hours in the shower.... playland, mama-ro-neck, and hanging with your family in Rye.... do you remember screaming out in the middle of 42nd street ..."I love Sarnra! I love this woman..." I was on the phone... and though I was safe in my room at home -I blushed as though I was standing right there.... do you remember how on our last good-bye you cried as much as me... but you gave me a tape and said if I was ever missing you to listen to it.... I still do.... but it is more of a comfort now -- and to remember good times....

I found out how you changed. how you became careless and it made me mad. that someone so good let the outside influence them. your whole person changed.... and it wasn't just a faze... then we never talked again... until 9-11-01. you called me to see how the family was... told me all about yours and how life was going for you. still not the one I remembered... but I was so happy to hear your voice. you were doing comedy in Chicago... and I never heard from you since...

I wonder from time to time where you might be... if you stayed with your talent... I guess could always track you down, but I think I am happier dreaming up your accomplishments then really knowing. Plus, you stay pure in my heart that way... as a warm, fond memory.

.... because its not real anymore....
Love, Sarnra

letter 2

dear Diversion-
there are still times when i feel like i took advantage of you... and i feel bad. but you know, even though we were together for a long while, i was never in love with you. you were my dear friend - and i loved you like i loved any friend of mine.... but i was needing some stabilty.
our relationship was just to benefit me - i wanted a companion. i should have just gotten a pet!

i was struggling and in school and working 3 jobs and i just wanted someone i could relax and hang out with. at the time, you needed someone to be your friend too - with your sister's death. we served a good purpose for each other.

but you talked about marriage - and things that i didn't want with you.
i guess in a young and selfish way i just kept playing a role... even though i told you "no" - and never mislead you .... i didn't leave... only to fill my needs.
you were safe and familiar. i wasn't completely faithful (didn't sleep around - but still)... but what did i care - i was 22! i thought i was in charge. i thought it was me against the world....

that was wrong.

i know that now - that i am older.

i also know i was no angel then either....

you were very irresponsible, you drank WAY too much, you were not educated, you were lazy, you never wanted to leave the house, you had no aspriations in life, you were VERY immature, you had a "Keg-a-rator" you were obsessed with video games - and i was never attracted to you.... and quite often, you would really creep me out.
but you were my friend... and your were a good soul... you were kind, and we always had a good laugh.

its too bad that you became an evil hearted man. its too bad you began to treat people poorly...

though i've seen you a few times in the last 2 years. I know that you and your new bride are not only meant for each other, but are happy together - and that eases my guilty feelings.

but i am sorry i used you as a distraction.

Regards, Sarnra

letter 3

dear Musical Carpenter -
how i loved you... like a school girl though. not as though it was real.
strong, gentle, creative, kind, handsome.... and old fashioned.
i was desperate to be loved. i jumped in to quick and scared you off.
you had a temper - and wanted me to be a baby machine...
do you remember nights of singing to me... hiking the west virginia line.... coming across the wild horse on the path and you new just how to calm him and lead him back to where he belonged... do you remember bluegrass concerts and Cooter-Fest... playing and singing songs with my dad on the front porch... ....late nights at the diner near where the DC Snipers took a life .... sopranos and richard pryor.... making CDs and looking in the mirror saying "you honestly don't know it - but you ARE beautiful... inside and out."

there was a lot of things wrong with us being together.... you had blame, but i am sure i messed it up more than you. still, you did give me a bit of confidence that i never had - and made me feel special in a way i had never felt before....

...and i am grateful for that...

Sincerly, Sarnra

letter 4

dear Weasel -
i really don't know what to say but -- you are a weasel... you were and weasel... i think you shall always be a despicable!

you are something i regret.

i was trying to find my way. I was vunerable and you would always talk about your "hard-luck" life ...so i thought we could be friends and talk and hang out... but you kept playing pity on me and i fell for it...
i really think you used your kids to get to me. in fact - i know you did.

i always wondered if you were homosexual... but i wasn't exactly sure. I think you had a darker secret then the ones you told...

yes, i was stupid... i did want someone's attention - and i was naive... so you don't take all the blame.
but it only took a short amount of time before i realized the true scum you are...
When i found out you were a Convicted Felon, I knew I should have trusted that first impulse of mine to run! But I kept thinking about those poor, sweet children. I have grown to see I can't save the world - and I can't let people bring me down with them...

But, don't worry - i got you back... and you probably never new it was me. I lived 3 months off of what i took... even had plenty to share...

...but i didn't take enough...

Good Riddance, Sarnra

letter 5

dear Crooked Correspondant -

in a new environment, i had no direction. i just fell into this place. we hit it off straight away - it was nice to have a good friend... especially where i knew no one. it was comfortable and you were like a coach or teacher to me. you helped me to learn new things, took me around on live shots, gave advice and hits.... and even asked me to share some things i had learned... it was a good partnership - and since you were at least 12 years my senior - i felt safe. it was almost like... paternal....

do you remember when you took me to the interview of the mother of the dead solider, the live shots in the newsroom, the set-up at the gas station... do you remember the help i gave you .... i thought it was honest.

we would laugh, talk about your experiences, our work, my background, your wife and family. a friendship.
i am said i lost that. i thought it was a pure relationship.
still somehow - i miss that original friend i made.

little did i know what you were planning. little did i know what power you had over me...
it was like an alanis song... i was curious and let it happen... for months - but you were the one in charge - and you knew just how deep it would be. i had no idea. naive, raw, inexperienced, hungry, and your protege.
foolish. flattered by your fascination with me -- i became apart of the worst sin.

it seems clear to me now.
but back then - why couldn't i see? how did i not know the depth of it all? did i not know the pain i was causing her? was i so weak that i let this bad cop lead me into crime?
seems pathetic to me now. most days that guilt follows me.
i try to forgive myself, I work hard to make it up.... i try to forgive us both.

you were the beast, and i was the prey....
it all makes such sense now -- i really failed myself then.

it came back around to me. now i know exactly what i did - and let you do.
it sometimes turns my gut that you and him had the same plan - selfishness that lead to hurting the ones you loved, and misleading and innocent party.... so that we all walk through with this scarlet letter for the rest of their lives....

But you continue to find more victims... and you continue to tell them you've never done this before, and that it really means something. and that they can trust you.

you still sweep it all under the rug....

Ever Regretfully, Sarnra

totally 80s... this songs been in my head all day long....

"A Little Respect" - Erasure

I try to discover

A little something to make me sweeter

Oh baby refrain from breaking my heart

I’m so in love with you

I’ll be forever blue

That you give me no reason

Why you’re making me work so hard

That you give me noThat you give me no

That you give me no

That you give me no

Soul, I hear you calling

Oh baby please give a little respect to me

And if I should falter

Would you open your arms out to me

We can make love not war

And live at peace in our hearts

I’m so in love with you

I’ll be forever blue

What religion or reason

Could drive a man to forsake his lover

Don’t you tell me no

Don’t you tell me no

Don’t you tell me no

Don’t you tell me no

Soul, I hear you calling

Oh baby please give a little respect to me

I’m so in love with you

I’ll be forever blue

That you give me no reason

You know you’re making me work so hard

That you give me no

That you give me no

That you give me no

That you give me no

Soul, I hear you calling

Oh baby please give a little respect to me

strep throat

Well - I have been ill for a while - and gone from "site". (*Ha-Ha!*)
I acquired strep throat... No fun. Still sick - but not contagious....

but in better news -- Its SNOWING!
Yup-I was missing it!
We have had two minor snows this season so far -- neither one putting out more that a dusting.

But this one is fantastic... At least 1.5 inches out there right now - there is probably a bit more.... I am looking out the office window and can't be completely sure of the measurements - but is has covered everything in a white soft blanket - and making the roads a slushy mess.
Not too terrible for them to send us home, however.... But I think they should - there seems to be a great deal of wrecks going on out there... Lots of overpasses freezing over... ah-well.

The Snow is Cheering Me Up!!

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I am trying to think of a proper title for the division and disunion of my parents... I think it deserves a title...

Things are going more and more into the unpleasant. It is not only just effecting my emotions but is now wrecking me physically... So such an experience should have a proper name to identify it.

Afterall, they name natural disasters, viruses, diseases, wars, and everything else!!

So here are some of my ideas:

1. The Skirmish of the Kings
2. The Fracas in Fauquier
3. The Melee in Hume
4. Father's Exodus
5. The Severance of Sanity

I don't know... I will ponder more on this......

.... Dy-No-Mite!!!!

useless.

its all crumbling again.
i haven't done anything wrong.
all i have done is care.
but somehow i am taken advantage of.
i am the one who really suffers.

there is no point in anything anymore.

.yes.

A Vision...but its hard to see - the computer screen is burning my retinas...

as I am sitting here at my nice desk, using my nice computer,

at this nationally recognized association...

Good pay, good Ben's, good people... Good resume builder...

but I think... I am not sure - but I think just now I --- I don't like it anymore....

nothing happened.

this vision just overtook me...

I get up early to fight traffic, stare at a buzzing screen, get hunched over at the desk,

work on creating ads, pamphlets, newsletters, press releases and the sort - it is interesting but - YIKES!

I do email and phone calls during the day with people

who LOVE us too much -- or HATE us too much...

I fight traffic to get home...

Then have to clean - dishes, laundry... You name it.

Take the dogs out, make dinner, organize bills...

Then go to bed early so I can do it all over again....

besides LOOKING Good on a resume....

I don't see that this "old men's club"

really has anything to offer me down the road...

I see no advancement coming my way....

I don't know if I can make it a year like this...

but what?

if I have to have a office job - this is the best office job I've ever had...

I need to make above a certain amount of

money (and regularly) to survive in the DC area....

while i do interesting things here most days, I am not doing what I really enjoy...

I don't feel I am really helping anyone in anyway -

and I don't think I am growing from the work I do....

in addition to my work - I do at least 70% of the work for my co-worker...

I am the communications assistant -- and he is the SENIOR comm. assist.

But doesn't even know how to load paper into the computer printer....

but he has a Willy and so he must be "senior" material....

when I help him with a job - he gets/takes credit....

only one of my managers seems to have a brain - and a compassionate nature...

** Harumph!! **

I'm really over it.

...maybe tomorrow I'll change my mind...

Last Night was Movie Night

Last night was movie night.

After battling traffic to get home from work, I walked in the door and...

Chris said "Wanna have movie night? I'm starving.

Let's order pizza, and go rent some movies."

Me: "Yeah, sounds great. Whattya feel like?"

Chris: "Dominos Pizza-- they have that 5-5-5 deal."

Me: "Do we really need 3 pizzas?"

Chris: "We can eat it all week for lunch or whatever.

One mushroom, one pepperoni, and one beef - how does that hit ya'?"

Me: "All sounds good."

He called in the order.... we walked on over to the video store.

We rented 2 DVDs. We got Corona's from the Shoppers Food Warehouse on the way back.

We were ready and excited for Movie/Pizza/Beer night!!

Which movies did we get, you ask?

Well - we rented "Kill Bill v.1" and "Napoleon Dynamite" - because we hadn't yet since either...

and we heard GREAT things about both....

Here I should note that just a few days ago - at my parents house - my brother carried over with him his "Bad Santa" DVD - insisting that it was a great movie and that we MUST see it.
I didn't mind - afterall - it too received GREAT reviews....

"Bad Santa" SUCKS! it is the worse thing I have ever seen!!!!
I am not a prude, I like dark and dry humor -- but this is just unfunny mean-spiritedness.... no wit or cleverness put into it... just 78 minutes of unoriginal ugliness!
My grandpa was a belligerent old drunk.... HE was/is FUNNY....
This movie was worthless... and I don't know why EVERYONE on the planet -- except Chris and I -- love this movie.

Back to Movie Night...
So we snuggle up on the couch... Corona with lime each... and a pizza box on the coffee table.... dogs laying in wait for a bit of food to fall from the table.... and we put "Napoleon Dynamite" into the DVD Player and hit the play button....

Opening credits were cute and creative... funny... are hope rose....
then the movie began.

"Napoleon Dynamite" SUCKS! It is terrible!
Again - everyone one Earth seems to love this movie... friends, co-workers... everyone tells me how great this film is.... ARE THEY BLIND?! HAVE THEY LOST THEIR FACULTIES??!

This is a movie about a nerd from Idaho. That is ALL this movie is about. There is nothing interesting or endearing about the characters....
Yeah - goofball, nerdy high school kids --- SO WHAT? Whats the gimmick...
Nerd with goofy hair whines a lot... has nerd girlfriend and spanish nerd friend... the end.
No plot. No climax.... nothing. No wit. No originality.
We just sat there waiting to be entertained....

Yet people love it!
What in the %@*$ going on?

So we were planning to watch "Kill Bill" tonight... but at the rate things are going... that might suck too! And we'd be truly disappointed in the state of the media today...

Its bad enough what Television has become... now this..... I mean - the music industry, t.v., movies.... ARGGHHH!
Some word associations on sucky things that are currently considered media greats - (and mostly by those in MY own age group):
1) Paris Hilton
2) Ashlee Simpson
3) Napoleon Dynamite
4) Rappers...
5) Linsey Lohan
6) The O.C. - tv show
7) Sex in the City
8) Will and Grace

There is MUCH more but I just don't have time to list it all... just highlights....

==================================================================

"I've gotta go away somewhere and figure this all out..."
~ spike jones... the comic musician of the 30s-50s... (not that crappy movie director of present day!)

for mom and dad... care of genesis (the band - not the book)

not that my parents even know what a blog is... but i have this knot in my tummy and these words from this song just running laps in my head today....

"Throwing it all away

Is there nothing that I can say

To make you change your mind

I watch the world go round and round

And see mine turning upside down

You're throwing it all away. "

genesis - throwing it all away

Sippin' on some hot tea

just sippin' on some yummy chai tea and dunkin' my chocolate covered gingerbread biscuit.
then i thought to myself:

"you didn't have a proper lunch break today. you've been doing all kinds of things and had 5 minutes to wolf down some rice and veggie left-overs from home... so have some tea, a biscuit, and blog a note..."

i agreed with myself and here i am typing away.

in case anyone was curious, from my entry "three entries in one day..." -- i did return home to find that my prediction #2 came to be...

i went home to find he had began to build the Metallic Beast - but was stymied by taking the dogs out for a run and then never came back into the bedroom... forgot all about the thing and never finished it.

i went into the bedroom to take off my shoes and change from my business gear.... and there on a pile in the corner of my cozy room were the arms, legs, and spine of the Metallic Beast.

"I KNEW IT!!" came flying out of my mouth with a bit of laughter.... not obnoxious though... it was really kind of cute that I know just how my A.D.D pal behaves!

What is NOT cute - is that this mess of metal is still lying on the floor.... THAT is NOT cute at All!! There has been two days of him hunting with his brother -in- law, and then the New Years Eve and Day commitments... but My Word!

There shall be many ugly words flying from my mouth if the beast is not up and away by the weekend. I shall become a beast in my own right!

Ah - Well.

on another note -- had some truly delicious Mexican food last night.. in a slick little outta the way spot... Chris and I have claimed it as our own. i love doing things like that. discovering and claiming a cafe, restaurant, bar... shop... whatever it is.... even if it is all just tucked away in my imagination somewhere... and no one else knows... Is That Strange? (*i hope not*)

Last Night's Events:
we went to the gym for some exercised, then off to eat mexican - then returned home and watched antiques roadshow until i went to beddie-by.

Tonite may be Movie Night.... i ain't sure yet :)

i removed my posting from yesterday... It was a very good rant - and i left it there a day to be read or skimmed thru - or ignored --- but i got it out of my system and that is the important part... but as it was a negative venting rant... I went on and removed it... It served its purpose.

Silly Me :)

Making Silly Faces Makes Me Feel Better :)

"Margot...Polo..."